The vicar’s got some warm and wise words to share.

I just saw these kids in a post at MetalSucks and had to put them here. These little rockers are called The Mini Band and all are eight years old except the drummer and bassist who are ten. There are vids of them playing covers of Metallica’s Enter Sandman and Guns n’ Roses’ Sweet Child o’ Mine at a the Bucklebury Beer Festival (whatever the hell that is) and we have them ahead. I for one think these kids deserve a little attention and the performances aren’t half bad. Come on, where else are you gonna see a little girl play lead guitar on two classics?

No, it’s not Friday. Did you want it to be?

Anyfuck – and mind you, I had to do some research on this – Friday’s a song by this bubblegum-munching American teenage retard called Rebecca Black. Kid was born in 1997, so that makes her 14 and apparently she’s got one of those annoying moms who are totally idolatrous of their daughters, because she spent $4,000 on the Friday single and accompanying music video.

Wrong! Even in the standards of today’s totally rotten music industry the song was dubbed ”the worst song ever”. It received so much critique and flaming that eventually it was taken offline. “Luckily” you can’t remove anything from the internet, so we dug it up. Well, take a listen to it and you’ll agree that this is, indeed, the worst song ever, complete with overly self-confident rapper pulling funny faces behind the wheel.

Now for the good news. HarveyD tipped us off on a Death Metal version of the song. Find it after the jump. Go read/watch!

I just ran across a video of these guys on YouTube and had to share. This shit made me laugh my ass off. I love Black Metal as much or more than the next guy, depending on who that guy is, but you have to appreciate good comedy even at the expense of things you like. And hell, the music itself is pretty decent.

I’m just goin’ to copy and paste their Myspace bio for you: “The band called The Black Satans was born in the summer of 2005 when Klitors, Heijargh and Naamos were on a cruise ship. The guys got a glorious drunken idea to form a true Norwegian black metal band. Years went by, and the band hardly progressed at all. Later Masturbørg joined the band because of pity and he became the singing and dancing vocalist of The Black Satans. Still very little was done to advance the band. Then, in the late 2008 the Black Satans sold their souls to Timo Tolkki in order to get this piece of shit done. This is true Norwegian black metal from Finland. The Black Satans.”

Back in April we hooked you up with the first episode of Demonstealer’s cooking show, Headbanger’s Kitchen. In that episode he cooked some lovely burgers and fed them to Dubai-based Death Metallers Nervecell. Some episodes have been aired in the meantime and recently Demonstealer got up to his fourth episode.

Yeah, I know. You were expecting a post full of pictures of skanky bitches. But no, that bitch down there is called Katy Perry. She’s a world “famous” popstar. First presented as a serious person with content, then steered straight down the path of stupefying shitpop. Made to do stupid dance moves with armpits clean shaven while singing songs for little kids with lyrics about love, while dressed like a slutty whore, tits hanging out and all.

Yep, collectively this is what we want our kids to look up to. And the music industry stands for your kids and the world’s appalling taste in music is shoved down unknowing people’s throats. But, occasionally you can have great fun with pop. Not by listening to it, but by making fun of it, or raping it. US musician Andy Rehfeldt, who makes it a sport to take songs and then turn them into something completely and utterly different, opted for the latter approach: Katy Perry got her voice change. Thanks to my bruvvah for hooking us up with this find!

Tomorrow’s Friday, everyone’s traditional drinking night. Well, everyone who’s not adhering certain religions or a little something completely and utterly idiotic called “Straight Edge” – seriously, what is wrong with you?

Anyway, for all those of you that will indulge in heavy drinking tomorrow – and I’m assuming that’s about 99%, since you’re Metalheads – what will you do on Saturday morning? It’ll be a big fuckin’ hangover and you know it. If you have any prior experience with hangovers, you’ll know that a big, greasy, hearty breakfast does miracles. Not the type of miracles that’ll solve your headache – there’s a thing called aspirin for that – but the kind of miracles that’ll help you keep your stomach contents in, or, if that’s just too much to ask, to help get them out quickly.

Assuming, since most Metal fans are male, you’re a man. Suppose you – big smelly Metalhead with sweaty hairy armpits – manage to blow your load into a girl – petite, smells nice, sexy body – regardless of whether or not you had to feed her a lot of alcohol for that or not. If you didn’t take the proper precautions, that’s gonna create babies. You know, mini humans with little hair and much noise.

Once it gets born, the proper strategy at first would be to leave most of the caretaking to the lady in question. There’s a high chance there’s something called maternity leave in your country too, so make sure you take full advantage of that. But, eventually the lady is going to want to get out more. Can’t keep ‘em on a leash forever, you know. At that point you’re going to have to play “dad”, a very unmetallic task.

Today’s Sunday and according to good Christian belief that’s a resting day. Normally we care about zero squat zippo about that sort of stuff, but we came across an item that we wanted to feature and believe Sunday is the best of the week’s days to do that on. Sunday’s a time for a relaxed sit-down, extensive cooking and a good conversation with your family.

Exactly what Sahil Makhija, a.k.a. The Demonstealer, whom we know as being the front man of our favorite Indian band Demonic Resurrection. He cooks Metal food, like fuckin’ burgers – did he fuckin’ know that’s my favorite food?! – then sits down with brothers of Metal, members of well-known Metal bands, and has an interesting conversation. Simple!

You kill two birds with one stone with this one. 1) You learn more about the bands in question, and 2) you get some kick-ass fuckin’ recipes to cook yourself. I mean, know what you’ll be chewing up for dinner yet tonight?! Provided that you’ve got a 24/7 supermarket nearby, perhaps Sahil Makhija can induce some good ideas in your head: burgers anyone?

We’ve got episode 1 lined up for you, but be sure also to check the official Head Banger’s Kitchen website, where you can find the next episodes as they become available.

Let’s start Friday with a little fun! Brian Posehn is an American comedian, actor and self-proclaimed Metalhead. He also makes Metal music of his own featuring members of various Metal bands including Anthrax and Shadows Fall. We’ve played Metal By Numbers with him before and now we want to know if he’s more metal than you. See what you think.